


Falling

by minikawa



Category: Narcos (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Crying, Hurt/Comfort, Lots of Crying, M/M, and lots of hugging, but they have each other :')), im sorry, post ep3 season2, steve and javier are not okay, they both deserve all the hugs
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-18
Updated: 2021-02-18
Packaged: 2021-03-13 13:33:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,031
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29527149
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/minikawa/pseuds/minikawa
Summary: Shaken from the aftermath of witnessing Carillo execute Gato on the helicopter, Steve finds himself overwhelmed and exhausted. He doubts how much more he can take...but he doesn't have to shoulder all of these burdens alone. Javier will make sure of that.Post season 2 episode 3
Relationships: Steve Murphy/Javier Peña, past Connie Murphy/Steve Murphy
Comments: 4
Kudos: 23





	Falling

**Author's Note:**

> Hello again, my friends! a few things abt the fic writing process:
> 
> -this was originally gonna be a songfic, but then i cut the lyric parts out because i felt that they interfered with the flow of the story. however, if you guys wanna give it a listen, the song that inspired this fic is Kokoronashi (the Majiko live version especially)! 
> 
> -the story was also inspired by a couple of fics from you guys too! it was partly inspired by "My Hands Are Real" by pedromiamor. It's a super sweet story, and it got me thinking about just how much Steve goes through and how much he deals with (and how Javi is always there for him <3). Another fic that inspired this one is "Waiting On the Second Wind" by ThereIsNoTragedyInThat! Another beautifully written and heart-wrenching story that inspired the angst and comfort for this one. Go give them both a read! ^^
> 
> -I hope you guys enjoy!

“I just wanted to hear your voice.”

Steve’s voice felt raw from the numerous shots of whiskey that burned his throat. He could barely rasp out the words on the phone, barely mask the distress. He could imagine the concern in Connie’s face, her eyebrows furrowing and the way her eyes would soften. 

Imagining it only deepened the ache within him.

On the other side of the phone, Steve could hear a baby’s faint cry. Connie sighed.   


“I have to go.”

_ Please don’t leave me alone- _

“Okay,” Steve nodded with a sigh. “Goodnight.” 

As soon as she hung up, the emptiness once again washed over Steve like a wave. He stared blankly at the empty whisky glass on his desk. Another drink would only be in vain. No matter how much alcohol he burned into his system, it could never drown out the sounds of the helicopter roaring through the sky, of Gato’s screams as he plummeted to his death…

Steve wrapped his arms around himself to stop himself from trembling. He took a shuddering breath. He should have been glad that no one else was in the office, that no one else could see him like this. But the isolation only fed the fear and the loneliness. 

…

It was almost a miracle that Steve made it home in one piece. He felt like he had been on autopilot the whole ride home, as the drive was a blur. His surroundings didn’t feel real, everything in front of him was just a blur of color. He tightened his grip on the railing as he walked up the stairs of his apartment, willing himself back to the real world as he trudged his way up ever so slowly. 

He imagined Connie being there to greet him and welcome him home. He imagined the way she would wrap her arms around his waist, drawing him closer and allowing him to rest his head on her shoulder. He imagined seeing little Olivia crawling up to him, cooing at him adoringly as he bent to pick her up.

The visions brought no comfort. They only reminded him of what truly awaited him once he entered his apartment room. Connie was gone. They had already begun slipping away from each other even before she left Colombia, and there was no going back to the way things were. The closer he approached, the more he dreaded returning home, returning to no one, returning to the memories on the helicopter-

Steve felt his legs buckle from underneath him. His head was swimming, and his chest ached. He felt so heavy. 

By the time he made it up to the top, he instinctively avoided his own apartment room. Instead, he opted for the room next to his, the room that belonged to the only person left who could possibly put up with his bullshit.

Before he could knock, the door opened. To his surprise, he was greeted by an unfamiliar woman. She must’ve been one of Javier’s lovers—it was no secret that he was a casa nova. Steve’s heart sank. 

“You’re looking for Javier, I assume?” the woman asked.

Steve looked down. “Yeah, but it looks like he’s busy. I’ll come back later-”

“No, no, it’s alright, I was just leaving,” the woman shifted to give Steve room to enter. Before she left, she leaned down and whispered in Steve’s ear, “It’s a good thing you’re here. Javier needs the company right now.” 

Steve watched her leave before tentatively entering the room himself. He found Javi sitting on the sofa, lighting a cigarette in his mouth. 

“Hey.” 

Javier looked up at the sound of Steve’s voice, blinking in surprise. “Oh, hey. Thought you were still at work. Can I get you anything?”

Steve was tempted to ask for some alcohol, but he knew that wasn’t going to make things any better. “It’s fine. I just wanted to check in with how you’re doing.” 

To Steve’s observation, Javier didn’t seem to be doing too good either. His clothes were slightly disheveled, his hair askew, dark circles under his eyes...Steve had never seen his partner look so completely exhausted. Perhaps he was just tired from another night of no-strings-attached-fucking...but Steve knew better, as he wasn’t the only one who witnessed something horrific while working with Carillo. Not too long ago, Javier had returned from a mission, snapping at him about the way Carillo had shot a  _ kid… _

Steve shook the thought out of his mind. “Can I sit?” 

Javier nodded, shifting to make room for Steve on the couch. Wordlessly, Javier handed Steve a cigarette, which he received with a nod of thanks. They sat like this in silence for what felt like forever, inhaling smoke into their lungs. Steve had to admit he found the quiet comforting...it wasn’t like the silence back in his office. It was different this time, having another body close to him, breathing the same air. 

After a while, their cigarettes began to burn out. They extinguished the last of the ashes on the tray beside the couch. Only then did Steve break the silence. 

“I called Connie today,” he said, voice slightly hoarse from the smoke. 

“Oh yeah? How’s she been doing?”

“Alright, I guess. We couldn’t talk for long. Olivia started crying and...” He choked up. The thought of his daughter made something within him lurch. He shook his head and cleared his throat. 

He felt a hand on his shoulder. Steve looked up to meet Javier’s gaze. There was nothing but understanding in those kind, tired brown eyes. 

“It’s okay, Steve,” he said softly. “I’m here if you wanna talk about it. I mean, I’m no therapist, but I can definitely listen.” 

Steve smiled crookedly, and something inside of him ached even more. He knew Javier was already going through his own shit. By the look in his face, he could tell that Javier was still haunted by what he had witnessed on his mission with Carillo.  _ How could he be so kind?  _ Steve wondered. Even after everything else he was going through, Javier was still looking out for him. 

Guilt twinged in Steve’s gut. He felt like he hadn’t been there for Javier enough, after Jav told him what had happened with Carillo. Back then, Steve was too angry about always being left behind. Looking back at it now, Steve knew he was being selfish. Javier didn’t mean to leave him behind—he was  _ protecting  _ him. Steve was just too caught up in himself at the time to realize it, and now look where his stubbornness led him...on a helicopter, watching Carillo execute two men before his eyes.

“Steve?” 

Steve couldn’t bring himself to look up once again. He didn’t need to look up to know the look in Javier’s eyes—worry, protectiveness, reassurance. It was all more than he deserved. 

“I’m sorry.” Steve’s voice had never sounded so small before. 

Javier tilted his head in confusion. “I...I don’t understand.” 

Steve turned his face away, keeping his gaze to the floor. “I’m sorry...I’ve been an asshole recently, haven’t I?” he chuckled, a dry humorless bitter laugh. “I’ve been blaming you for leaving me behind all the time, even after everything you’ve been going through. And now I’m here bothering you with my own shit...I hadn’t been there for you...Just like I hadn’t been there for Connie...no wonder she left.” His eyes had begun to burn, vision blurring from tears.

Javier’s hand, which had never once left Steve’s shoulder, squeezed it gently. “Steve, this isn’t your fault-”

“Don’t.” A broken noise escaped Steve’s throat. He tried to blink his tears away, but they wouldn’t stop falling. They were warm as they slid down his cheeks. “I’m so fucking tired, Jav. Maybe Carillo was right...I can’t handle this. It’s draining me. I couldn’t be there because I...because I…

Because I feel so fucking weak…” 

The words were getting harder and harder to escape past the lump in his throat. His voice wouldn’t stop shaking, nor would his hands. His chest was heaving, oh god he couldn’t breathe. He felt like he was the one falling from the helicopter, screaming for someone to save him-

He fell right into Javier’s arms. Javier pulled him close, cocooning Steve in a protective embrace. That was all it took for Steve to fall apart. He broken gasp escaped his lips, then another, then another, until he was breaking down sobbing onto Javier’s shoulder. An anguished wail tore itself all the way from his chest, muffled against Javier’s arm. He clutched desperately at his partner, afraid that if he let go he would only continue to fall further and further into the emptiness

“I’m s-sorry!” Steve gasped between his tears. 

“It isn’t your fault,” Javier murmured against Steve’s hair, rocking him gently in his embrace. “Please don’t blame yourself...whatever happened with Carillo, it wasn’t your fault. Or with Connie, or with all of the shit that life’s been putting you through...none of it is your fault.” 

Javier’s voice quivered as he spoke. Steve felt Javier’s strong hold trembling against him as everything he had been bottling up began to rise to the surface. This only made Steve cling to him frantically as he cried. Even if he couldn’t form the words, he wanted to be there for Javier in his despair...he wasn’t going to leave his partner behind this time. 

“Why…?” Steve whimpered. “Why...why are you so kind to me? You’ve done so much for me...you put up with my bullshit...I haven’t done the same for you. I don’t deserve this…”

This only made Javier tighten his grip around Steve. When Steve looked up, he could see the tears streaming down Javier’s face. His heart broke into a million more pieces seeing those kind brown eyes filled with so much anguish. 

“Steve, you listen to me, alright?” Javier forced the words out despite the shaking in his voice. “Don’t you dare think that you don’t deserve this. I shouldn’t have left you behind...you do so much for me, more than you even know. Just by being here, by being beside me...it’s more than I could ever ask for.” He took in a sharp breath, choking back a sob. 

“I know you’re tired. I know you’re scared...I’m scared too. And it’s why I’m not gonna let you go through this shit alone. You’re my partner, Steve. You’re my best friend, you’re the only one I have left in this hellhole...I’m not gonna leave you behind anymore. And don’t you dare say you don’t deserve this, because you deserve the world.” 

Steve cried even harder in Javier’s arms. They clung to each other desperately, the both of them shedding the tears that they withheld through all of the chaos. It was only in this small room could they finally cry, without fear of judgement. Because they understood the other’s anguish, their broken hearts mirrored one another. 

It felt like forever until Steve had finally exhausted himself. His tears gradually subsided, leaving him limp and faint in Javier’s hold. The only sound left in the room was the occasional sniffle, soft broken whimpers, and their shared breathing. Not once did Javier’s embrace loosen around Steve’s waist. They stayed like this for a long time, with Steve resting his head on his partner’s shoulder, tucked right under his chin. 

For the first time since he arrived in Colombia, Steve felt safe. Protected. 

“Thank you,” he whispered. His voice was thin from crying, yet the sincerity was undeniable. “For putting up with me...God, I’m a mess aren’t I?”

“Yeah,” Javier chuckled softly. The sound of his laugh made Steve’s heart feel light. “But you’re my favorite mess.” He pressed a kiss onto the top of Steve’s head. “And I’m not going to leave my favorite mess behind.” 

Steve smiled, a small yet genuine smile. The cracks in his heart still ached, but slowly they had begun to seal again with the warmth he felt from his partner’s embrace. 

Even if he fell, he knew Javier would be there to catch him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry :'))
> 
> I really hope you guys enjoyed this one, even if it was a little sad ^^' this one came from a deep place in my heart—I've been struggling with a lot of depression lately, and today was particularly rough...and so this fic was created. For all it's sadness, it was both challenging but also healing to write, Steve and Javi became one of my comfort ships <3 It was also challenging because episode 3 of season 2 is one of the hardest episodes for me to watch...and I can't imagine just how Steve and Javier must have felt after what they witnessed with Carillo. 
> 
> I hope you all enjoyed, pls let me know what you guys think! Love and blessings ^_^


End file.
